30 Days of Brave: Day 4
Today’s challenge was a meditation. I tried to complete it TWICE, but I kept getting interrupted (yay, kids!), but now that the kids are in bed, I should have a better chance of doing it. In the parts that I got completed, I felt good about it.
I felt calmer, less stressed. I felt more peaceful.
Today’s Journal Prompt is: What is a past experience that left you feeling powerless and afraid, and how can you let go of it knowing what you know now?
My past experience would be my miscarriage. When I saw the ultrasound, and saw the baby hadn’t grown in weeks, I felt completely powerless. I knew what this meant, and I knew what was going to happen next, and I was terrified.
What if I couldn’t carry a child to full term? What if I was never able to get pregnant again? What if the procedure in the hospital damaged my body in some way?
So many what ifs played through my head while the doctor talked about my options. We decided on the D&E because there was no telling how long it would have taken my body to realize that the body inside me had died.
That was when I felt powerless and afraid. Afraid of all the possible outcomes, both good and bad. Powerless to make anything go my way. I couldn’t bring back a dead body. There was a heartbeat, and then there wasn’t one, and there hadn’t been one for three and a half weeks.
I know now that deaths at that early stage are caused by chromosomal abnormalities. I know that my body wanted that baby because it held on for so long. I know that I can get pregnant and I will get pregnant again.
But none of that has really helped me move past the worst part of it all: never being able to meet the child that was growing inside of me.
That is, until a friend told me something so powerful that it has literally changed my entire point of view: The soul of that child was never in that body.
How much would it suck to be created, but never get to be born? That’s what miscarriage though is: “I’ll see this child again some day… happy, healthy, and whole in heaven.”
But what if that wasn’t the case? What if the soul of the child is still out there, waiting to be born?
I think that’s the case. Ever since that moment, I’ve felt a presence around me. Most of the time, it feels male. Sometimes it feels female. Who knows, maybe it is two different energies. They’re filled with love and with peace, and it has been so calming to me.
I told this to my minister and his wife, and he told me they had a similar experience with a similar situation involving a miscarriage they suffered.
So for now, I have two beside me and one (maybe two) above me. Someday, I’ll have three (maybe four) beside me, and none above me.
The loss of the body wasn’t the loss of the child. We are not the bodies we reside in. We are the energy, the soul, inside the body that carries us. That body wasn’t able to carry the soul that was destined for it, so some day… another body will be made… and maybe that time, the soul of our future child/ren will be able to inhabit it.