Times of Trial
I’m starting to finally feel back to my old self again.
I was holding onto a lot of anger, and now I feel it finally has released. I was able to really cry last week, which I think was good for that release that I needed.
Now, as we prepare to go to D.C. next week for a week, I’m finally feeling normal again. I’m finally feeling balanced again. I’m finally feeling like I can breath.
I lost my faith this past month. That isn’t something that I think has really ever happened to me. I found myself in a place where I didn’t feel okay at all, and I lost my faith. I struggled a lot, and there are still some areas where that struggle is still going on, but I’m working through it. It’s a slow process.
But between the death of a friend, the deaths of those in Orlando, a breast exam that resulted in me having a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound done to rule out cancer, my graduate classes being seriously out of control and time consuming, the stagnation in this adoption process, and some other things that had me wanting to scream, I was feeling very overwhelmed.
And the deaths and the medical stuff all happened within two weeks of each other. It was boom, boom, boom, and it brought me to my knees. I wrote in my other blog, “I feel like I’m losing my faith.”
I have never written those words before in my life. I’ve never felt those words enough to need to write them.
I think people noticed it too because I kept hearing things like, “Praying for you” and “God’s got you” and all that stuff that people say to try to make you feel better when they don’t know what else to do.
But things are looking up now. The weight of this stress is starting to lift. I’d like to say something like, “I prayed for the Gods to handle all this stuff for me and then I felt better and things got better,” but I didn’t. I didn’t pray. I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t do any of the things that I would usually do when I felt like that, and they still got better.
I just remember at one point that I felt better, and I felt a little more connected to the divine, and I realized my faith wasn’t completely gone after the string of bad things began to pass…
After the service for our friend… After I’d mourned the loss of 49 people in the community… After the doctor told me I was okay and that he didn’t need to see me for ten years… After we got the e-mail from adoptions that things were moving forward again… After all of that… I started to feel my connection return.
But it wasn’t like I leaned heavily on the Gods in my time of trial. Maybe I had a lot of people leaning for me. Maybe I don’t have to lean on Them for Them to take care of me anyway. Maybe everyone was holding me up so that I didn’t have to stand on my own anymore because I can tell you that I wasn’t standing very well on my own for awhile.
I don’t really have the answers to this stuff. I don’t really know what it all means, if it means anything at all. I feel like a fair weather pagan right now… There’s a shift occurring in my spirituality, and I don’t really know what it means.
I guess I’ll figure it out as I go, but for now, I’m just enjoying the break.