The end of the school year is never a smooth time for me, but this year has been exceptionally rough.
Between the death of our last rat Sally, the “this is not a drill” lock down that we went through at school where for the first 20 minutes I wasn’t sure if it was drugs or violence, the death of an amazing man from church due to a heart attack at church, final exams, EOC exams, getting the room prepped for the summer, getting the final stuff done for our foster care license and adoption, and learning that I’m teaching a whole new class (to me) next year…. It’s been a very up and down week.
Which makes this camping trip that we are going on tomorrow until Monday a wonderful blessing. I’ve gotten all my homework done for the week… so I’m taking some pleasure reading with my textbook and I’m going to read… and relax… and swim in the lake… and go hiking…
When N died this past Sunday after having a second heart attack in the last two weeks, something snapped in me.
I realized that I need to make myself a priority.
I can’t spend my life stressing and walking around like a ball of anxiety. I can’t neglect my own health any more, mentally and physically.
I realized that I was harboring a lot of negativity in my life, so I went through a massive purge. One of the things they teach over and over again in church is that if you feed into the negativity in your life, that you will get more of it. Even if you are trying to get rid of it, you are still focusing on it, and it will continue to grow.
It’s the same idea that if you focus on what you don’t have, all you do is grow that lack.
It’s funny because that’s how the Facebook logarithms work for advertisements. If you like something or click on something, then Facebook gives you more of it. Even if it isn’t something you’re super interested in… Guess what! You will be real soon.
So I went through and just took out every last negative thing that I had control over. I realized that I deal with a lot of negativity on my Facebook, so I hid a lot of those posts, and I just handled it. I don’t feel the need to see the close minded, backwards, and hateful things that people say. I have that option, so I made it. For my own mental health.
Then, I did something I have been meaning to do for a long time:
I started working out again. Specifically, running. I’m not anywhere near as strong as I use to be, but I wasn’t as bad as I was when I first started running three years ago. I’m determined to get back into running until I can do a 5K, and then set a new goal from there.
I’ve also cleaned up my eating habits…
And I’m working on dealing with my love-hate relationship with food. I love food, but the guilt I feel after eating sometimes is really, really bad. And I know that’s not healthy.
I did some research into sugar cravings, and I’ve made some changes…
I’m going to start meditating more so that I can lower my stress levels… I’m also going to make sure that I’m taking the 5-HTP supplement I use to take, which helps reduce my anxiety by boosting serotonin levels, which also helps reduce sugar cravings.
I’m eating more protein and healthy fats (especially in the morning) and less carbs. I haven’t been on this long, but I’m already feeling my confidence levels go up, so I’m just going to keep holding on to that.
Also, my legs are hurting so bad…
Like I said, after the horrible experience that was my past Sunday, I snapped. I have felt out of balance for awhile now. I blame graduate school for sucking up a whole lot of my time and preventing both Erin and I from doing the things we use to do, like visit the gym four times a week and run the other three days. We use to do so well about taking care of ourselves, but we let the outside forces around us consume that… and it threw us out of balance…
But not anymore. We’re taking our lives back and we’re finding balance.
And hopefully, once that happens, I’ll have more to blog about.