Musings On A Warm April Day
Things are finally winding down here.
I’m in finals in my graduate program. This means I have a paper to write and an exam to study for. I’ve been in survival mode for a few weeks now, and it’s starting to show. If it’s not about foster and adoptions, graduate school, or work, it has been at the bottom of my list.
Right now, I’m sitting at the school taking ticket money and studying for my final in my evolution class. It’s the first nice day I’ve enjoyed outside in a long time. There’s a breeze. And the game is 8th and 9th grade, so attendance is low.
It’s giving me some time to breath and just think and relax.
I need to take better care of myself. I need to start listening to my body more.
I need more hours in my days.
It’s difficult for me to take care of myself when there is so much going on. It’s hard to remember to breath and relax and pray, but I need to do more of those things. Erin and I have been so blessed on so many levels, and I don’t think I’ve been grateful enough for those blessings.
I’ve disappointed myself.
I struggle a lot with feeling like I’m enough. Am I doing enough? Am I caring enough? Am I helping enough? Teaching enough? Am I enough?
It’s rooted in bad self esteem. It’s rooted in years and years of people telling me that I was a bad person and that everything was my fault, always. It’s rooted in the desire to compensate for those feelings of inadequacy, and never feeling like I make it.
My biggest personality flaw is the desire to make everyone happy and please everyone. It’s the need to NOT burn bridges if I can. It’s the need to build better bridges over widening gaps of communication and misunderstandings between myself and whoever else.
And there are times when that just isn’t possible. And when those times happen, I will beat myself up for days, weeks, and sometimes years.
I don’t like bad blood.
And I have a hard time figuring out when it is time to just give up.
These are things I need to work on. These are things I need to do to take better care of myself.
I will put up with a lot of abuse to try to make things right. I will tolerate liars, manipulative people, and getting taken advantage of just so that I can bridge that gap.
I can’t do that anymore.
I’m not sure when the realization hit me that I needed to stop taking all the negativity and allowing it to manifest in my life. I think it may have been at church.
I believe in a single higher power that manifests itself through all of life. I believe it has many names, depending on its face. That higher power is manifested in me, and in everyone else.
And it is all good. It is all loving. It is everything.
And all of that is in me. I am a good person. I have all the love I need. I am a manifestation of the divine in physical form.
And while I am human and make mistakes, the divine in me is all forgiving and that’s what I really need right now: forgiveness.
Forgiveness for feeling like I wasn’t enough, when all this time, I was enough. I am enough.
I am better than the negativity I put up with. And I don’t have to let it get to many anymore. I am a divine being, and I am free.