Redefining Faith

These last few weeks have been a whirlwind of ups and downs.

It started on October 8th, and it is only now starting to slow down and normalize again.  On October 8th, Erin got a text message from our friend who told us her wedding, which was scheduled for October 11, was called off.  From there, I talked to the other half of the relationship, who was a close friend of mine and a person who was actually in my wedding, about what had happened.  We agreed to get coffee to talk through stuff because I thought, “Who better to advise a person about to get married than someone already married?”

When I tried to contact her later Friday afternoon about going out for that coffee, she wasn’t responding to my texts.  I e-mailed her fiance, and it was then that I learned she had skipped town, suspiciously alone, to go to Virginia.  She made no indication about when she would be back.

When I went over there that night to get the flowers (because Erin and I were going to give them away downtown on Saturday since there was no refund that would happen), we found out that she had made reservations online for one room for two people.  The next day, we found out that she had a crush on a girl she worked with…

And on Sunday, she was caught dropping that girl off at her car after spending the whole weekend together and lying about it.

After that, our fridge died, and we spent nearly $3,000 replacing it.

Then I found out my friend was blocking me from seeing her posts on Facebook, which is the exact opposite thing you want to do when you’ve been caught lying, so we had it out… again… because she didn’t just walk out on her fiance… she walked out on her fiance’s two kids who were calling her mom and had been for over a year..

I told her I didn’t know who she was anymore.  I told her we couldn’t be friends.  She told me that I’d hurt her and torn her down into nothing.  And I told her she should build herself back up on something better than what she had before and that I wasn’t going to apologize for something that was obviously, to me, part of God’s plans.

She said, “God also told you to be nice to others.”

And I said, “God also told you not to commit adultery, even in thought.”

Because she swore up and down that nothing happened, even though she lied about everything else.

Needless to say, we aren’t friends anymore.  It threw me into a depression.  Someone I cared about and loved and had been friends with for so long who was important enough to be IN MY WEDDING betrayed me, continued to betray me, and didn’t feel bad that I was upset about it because I had hurt her so bad by telling her the “hard truth.”

Following that, my mom had to put down one of her cats who I had bottle fed from before his eyes were even really open.  He was 17 years old with a lot of medical problems, so it was his time, but it didn’t make it any easier.  That same day, we found a wound on another one of her cats, so I ended up spending a lot of time with  my mom that day before meeting up with Erin and Amy at Lindsey’s for dinner.

Then, my genetics class accreditation was in jeopardy because the district didn’t follow through like they were supposed to, so it fell on me to defend my class.  Monday, I got the news that my defense had gotten my class approved.  Then that afternoon, I found that I was missing two graduate classes that would make me approved to teach my classes, and I have to get them done by the time I start teaching next year, or I won’t get to teach any honors classes.

Needless to say, I applied to Furman University today to take those two classes and so did almost every other teacher at my school, so I really hope that I will get into the program.  If I don’t, I’m not sure what I’m going to do.  I’m not sure what anyone will do.

Things are still ugly between the Liar and her now ex-fiance.  The Liar is on the deed for the house and still on the Ex-Fiance’s (EF) phone plan.  Liar told EF that she would get her name off the deed immediately IF she would keep the phone on and let her have it and pay her on a month to month basis, otherwise she would do it in two weeks.  Her reasoning was that she was giving EF “everything” but wasn’t doing it in her timeline, but EF was saying she doesn’t get to drag this out because she was the one who originally messed up.  She told Liar that if she did the paperwork today, she’d keep the phone on.

I told her just to cut it off afterwards telling her she made a commitment she couldn’t keep, kinda like liar did to her and the kids, but before anything else could get said, Liar freaked out and said, “I’ll do it in two weeks.”

So EF turned her phone off.  Liar then deleted and blocked basically everyone who was my friend.  Probably because I was calling her out on her B.S, but I went back and deleted it later.

Things are finally starting to level out, I feel.  Now that Liar is really and truly gone (we hope), I feel like the peace can come back.  I haven’t been myself recently, and I know part of it is because there’s just so much going on that my stress levels are boiling over onto everything else, but I feel like I can finally get past my feelings of betrayal surrounding her now that I feel like she’s really and truly gone.

I’ve resigned myself to believing that the person in my wedding pictures is not the person who lied and betrayed so many people is not the woman I trusted and cared about enough to have her represent me in my wedding.  That woman is gone.  And I’m not sure where she went, but I hope one day she comes back.

I also made a list of everything I have to get completed between now and whenever so that I can start marking the most important things off.

I’ve been so spiritually overwhelmed lately that I’ve been struggling to keep myself grounded.  As an air sign, keeping myself grounded is probably the single hardest thing I have to do.

And I’ve been thinking… a whole hell of a lot… about my spirituality and faith.

I feel angry a lot right now.  Between this and everyone applauding that cop in Columbia who got fired for body checking that kid into the ground for being disrespectful, I’ve been spending an excessive amount of time dealing with anger in my heart.

My fuse has been excessively short.

I know that I’ve been going through the motions recently.  I’ve been doing what I need to do to get by to the next day.  I haven’t really been living as much as I have been floating from day to day.  I haven’t experienced these feelings in a long time.

My spirituality and faith are waning.  I didn’t realize it until late last week, but I’m feeling disconnected.  I’m feeling separated from Spirit.  I know that’s a silly thought because it’s not possible to be separated, but that’s how I feel.  My church family has been amazing, and I know I always have a place of refuge if I need it to be surrounded by like-minded and loving individuals.  I don’t know where I’d be without them because while being outside and “communing with nature,” so to speak, is wonderful, sometimes I need to hear the divine literally speaking to me through those at my church.

But no matter what, I’m currently at a place where I really need to seriously re-evaluate what my spiritual needs are.  I need to make my spiritual well being a priority.

It’s going to start with prayer.  Lots and lots of prayer….

…And also maybe a disconnect from Facebook for awhile…



Posted on November 3, 2015, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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