One of my “blogger girls,” aka the girls I follow in the TTC community, just recently had her baby. I looked at her smiling face and her squishy newborn. I scrolled through and saw all the baby pictures from everyone that had been posted and I felt…
I felt happy for her and her wife. I felt happy for their families and their friends…
…and I felt happy for myself, that it wasn’t me.
Usually I get this feeing that I’m happy but in a jealous sort of way, but not this time. I was genuinely happy for her with not a single ounce of jealousy in my body.
Because I am so so so glad that Erin and I don’t have kids right now. We have each other, and that’s all I want right now. We want to go and do so many things… We want to go to Europe (if Erin goes to Germany with her client for a month or two, I may see about going and visiting her while she’s over there).
She’s in graduate school for another years and when I get my acceptance to Graduate school in a couple weeks (because I have little doubt about my acceptance), then I will be going for my second masters and that’s another two years.
We don’t plan on waiting two years, but Erin being out of school is ideal. We don’t want to have to worry about finding child care or baby friendly things to do right now. I’m feeling selfish with my time with Erin.
I want to spend all the time I can with her, and a baby would change that. It wouldn’t be bad, just different, and I’m not wanting different right now. Not yet.
I haven’t felt this at peace with my childlessness in a long time. My infertility isn’t weighing down on me. My urge to procreate isn’t bubbling over into massive bouts of negative emotions.
I’m so glad Erin and I chose to wait after our first attempt didn’t work so that we could focus on our wedding and having the time of our lives on our honeymoon, which I promise I will write more about soon. Things have just been so busy here recently that I haven’t had the time.
I don’t know how this peace came over me, but it has and I’m going to hold on to it for as long as I can!