So Many Emotions
I did last night what I’ve been doing for the last few days: scrolled my way through Tori’s Facebook page looking for updates. Many of the posts had changed from “praying for you” to “don’t give up,” and finally I found what I was looking for: she’d been taken off life support sometime earlier in the day.
I went to bed unsure of what to expect or what to feel, but when I woke up, the first thing I did was check Facebook, and before I even got to her page I saw it: the mutual friend, one of many, posting a picture of her with “rest in peace friend, you’ll be missed.”
I don’t know how I feel right now. I feel a mix of a lot of things.
I feel sad. Sad for my friends who knew her better than me. Sad for her family, her wife and her children, who lost an integral part to their support system. When I think about what they’re going through, I have to think about what my life would be like if I lost Erin in a similar way, and it makes me instantly start crying and wanting to force her to go to the doctor and have every inch of her checked over for cancer at least once a month.
I feel angry. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that someone so young, so happy, so loving, got taken from this world and from everyone who cared about her. She got taken before she could so many things. She got taken before many people got to say goodbye. It’s not fair. It’s maddening, really. What’s the sense in it?
I feel confused. How is this possible? She was fine less than a week ago. The doctors said she was going to live. They said she was treatable… so how is it that we’re less than a week from when she was healthy and laughing and herself to this… I feel like something had to be missed. I feel like something wasn’t done when it should have been done.
This is so ridiculous, but the only thing I can think of right now is Anya’s speech on Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Buffy’s mother, Joyce, dies. She says, “I don’t understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she’s- There’s just a body, and I don’t understand why she just can’t get back in it and not be dead anymore. It’s stupid. It’s mortal and stupid. And-and Xander’s crying and not talking, and-and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she’ll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.”
I’m so sorry… I’m sorry for all the pain that everyone is in right now… I’m sorry I didn’t go out to South 29 that night to see her… I’m sorry that I can’t make this better… I want so much to make this better… It sucks.
All of this sucks.
It just sucks.