Taking the Time for Prayer

“I know everything happens for a reason, but I don’t understand why this one happened.”

This isn’t as easy as we thought it was going to be.  I know we were expecting for the adoption to fall through, and maybe that’s why it did.  Maybe our negative energy and thoughts surrounding this situation made the situation change.  Or maybe it’s because the birth mother, someone who was my friend, is immature and doesn’t know how to handle adult situations like an adult.  Maybe it’s because she has no clue what she’s doing, and we just got caught in the crossfire.

I cried on the phone to my mom for almost 30 minutes.  She kept telling me over and over and over that this wasn’t my fault, but I couldn’t help but feel like I could have done something differently… Maybe said something different… or backed off… maybe…  maybe… maybe…

There is nothing that we did wrong.  There is nothing we could have done to change this situation.  And now there is a baby who will never know how much we loved him or wanted him, who will grow up probably never knowing that we existed or what we did or sacrificed for him, who will live in potentially unhealthy situations…  And I hate it.  I hate every part of this situation.

“I don’t understand why this one happened.”

That was Erin’s mantra for Saturday, Sunday, and most of Monday.  “I don’t understand.”

I’ve gotten so frustrated with people saying this is fate, or that it was just supposed to happen, and I don’t understand why she can’t just be an ass for doing this the way she did.  There have been so many well meaning people telling us to “perk up” and “not be so gloom and doom,” but they don’t understand what it feels like to lose a child.  I’ve been trying to excuse it, but I’ve really just stopped talking to everyone right now.

But I think I’m starting to understand why this happened.  I think it was to wake us up.

I think it was to wake us up to each other, to our future, to the Gods.  I think this situation woke us up to each other so that we can learn better to lean on each other in hard times, and work through difficult situations as a team.  It’s teaching us that we are strong.  We are powerful, and when we lean on each other, we can weather any storm that comes at us.  We are taking time to comfort each other, and talk, and be in the moment with each other.  We’re getting back to us.

I think this situation has made us realize that it’s time.  It’s time to start seriously thinking about our future, whether it’s a child or a wedding next, we haven’t decided.  We desperately want to have children, so I think that will probably be our next step.  This failed adoption woke us up to that realization that kids are something we want, and soon.  It’s time for us to start trying, but not until we’ve had enough time to properly heal.

I think we’ve been woken up to the awesome power of the Gods.  Through all the dark stuff that’s happened in the last two weeks, we have had a wonderful and amazing couple of things happen that have gotten us into a better place than we were before.  I’ve realized that it’s not just good enough to pray to the Gods when times are bad, but that it’s important to remember to pray when times are good.

We have to be thankful.  We have to be humble.  We have to be welcoming to the changes and blessings that are to come.

Currently, we are not fantastic.  We are okay, and we will be better.  But through everything, our faith is strong, our faith is strengthened, and we are, as always, thankful for the blessings that we receive.

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Posted on September 23, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. We’ve been there. It’s a hard situation because most people don’t get it. They don’t see how you commit yourself to this child, the planning, hell even the soul searching it takes to decide to adopt. I haven’t read all of your posts yet, but this sounds similar to what we went through last year. Here is our journey in a few short posts. I actually didn’t post about the original decision process which started in January of 2013.

    http://butchjax.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/the-baby/
    http://butchjax.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/free-will-decisions-and-their-changes-they-bring/
    http://butchjax.wordpress.com/2013/04/04/getting-the-house-ready-and-healing/
    http://butchjax.wordpress.com/2013/04/11/realizing-the-healing-is-complete/

    It was of course more complicated than that as well. The father is still irresponsible from what it sounds. The mother is working. But that whole family is imploding from the stress and lack of money/resources, etc. At this point I’m not even friends with my friend due to her own downward spiral away from the loving person she was. It’s sad, but these things happen.

    Since then, we failed to find another baby to adopt before moving, and then learned you have to use an agency in Colorado, which is cost prohibitive. That lead us to where we are now, 20 weeks pregnant and over the moon!

    I recommend moving forward with what you can. If you can have a kid, do it. It’s less complicated than adoption (if you haven’t read about how truly complicated it is for the birth parents and all that, I recommend it), and it is an experience unto itself. We’re still going to adopt, but older kids from foster care. We’ll just have this one baby and be done. Too old to be messing around with babies after this! 😉

    Long story short, we’ve been there. It was horrible. But it pushes us to where we were meant to be. I would NEVER have considered having a child without all this falling through. Even if my guides mentioned it, I would have flatly refused. But the adoption made us both realize how much we wanted a baby, enough that I put myself through all this.

    Grieve for now. Then, start moving forward. Marriage, children, lots to research and choose. But you’ll get there in due time.

  2. I’ve been reading along to your ups and downs, and my heart breaks for you. I’ll admit, I don’t understand the feeling of having lost a child, but that doesn’t keep me from thinking that she *is* an ass for doing this to you both, the way she did.

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