This is the third time I’ve attempted to work on my week 1 of R-posts for the Pagan Blog Project. At this point, it’s week 2, and I do t feel bad for skipping two weeks in a row. Things have gotten really busy and really stressful, and every time I go to start a blog, I get interrupted and then I lose the “mojo” for writing that particular blog. So I start a new one.
I feel like all I’ve been doing lately is complain. There’s so much stress right now that it’s been hard to stay positive and keep my eye on the prize.
My brain functions very matter-of-factly. I see something, and my mind rationalizes it, usually into some form of numbers or percentages. Anything that my mind can’t reduce into functional data gets attributed to the Gods. It’s how I keep myself functioning in a world that might seem hopeless at times to others. I think it’s also the reason why so many people come to me with problems: I listen, I rationalize, and I respond. It’s only when things become too much that I become the emotional wreck that I’ve been the last couple of weeks.
I think everyone has a cup, and into this cup goes all the things that a person worries about. Usually, it fills with bills, work, cost of groceries and putting gas into your car. When you are in school, there’s passing classes, homework, tuition costs. When you seriously start dating someone/get engaged/get married, there’s all the things that go along with that to worry about as well. But when you throw a baby into the mix, there’s a whole new set of worries to fill and overflow your cup… When you end up facing unexpected infertility, you can add some more… or when you make the choice to expand through adoption, you add some more as well.
The other day, I started to write a blog about understanding what your reality is. The idea that we see our world differently than anyone else on this planet based on our life experiences, and how our world is a reflection of our actions. The energy and thoughts we put out come back to us. If we think negatively, our world becomes negative. If we think postively, our world becomes positive. As with the other blogs I started for R, that one never made it out of the draft pile. But it struck me because when Erin and I went to church on Sunday, the minister talked about controlling our thoughts and actions to control the world around us.
Unfortunately, the only thing I was able to focus on that day was all the numbers running through my head: 750, 45, 167, 168, 40, 172, 150, 100, 600… Over and over again, every bill that Erin and I owe ran through my mind. Money. All I could think about was money and how the Home Owner’s Association wasn’t really for the homeowners… and how I really hoped my real estate agent got back to me soon.
After the service, Erin and I were talking about church, and how we were getting more involved and wanting to become members. We talked about the message, and I confessed, “I didn’t really hear much of it. I’m having a lot of problems focusing lately.” We had our god daughter with us, and I ended up walking out and going to see her in the nursery. I sat with her and talked to the woman who was there. We talked about babies and cloth diapers and just a lot of random things. I bounced my god daughter on my lap, watched the kids, and it was nice.
She allowed me to take my mind off all the stresses that I’m facing with this adoption.
Later that evening though… That’s when it all came to a head. I broke down into an absolutely horrible ugly cry. Erin held me, played with my hair, rubbed my arms and back, got me tissues, gave me kisses, and told me, over and over, that it was all going to be okay.
“You have to have faith, baby. The Gods aren’t going to let us down. They’ll get us through everything, just like they’ve gotten us through everything up until this point.” How… How is her faith so strong when mine isn’t?
And then it hit me: that’s the point, isn’t it? When I’m weak, she’s there to be strong for me, and when she’s weak, I’m there to be strong for her. It’s our complement. And we work well together.
After my ugly-cry-fest, I felt a lot better. I think I’ve been holding on to so much of the emotions going on around here with everything that when I finally released it all, it felt good. I felt better. I felt more at peace. That understanding that the Gods will provide came back.
And then I went to church with Erin today for the first time on a Wednesday. It started with a silent meditation, then a guided meditation, and then a discussion on making peace with yourself. Next week is making peace with your situation. And then after that is making peace with others. Holy. Shit. Really?
I half-laughed at the topic, and then Erin kept nudging me throughout the discussion when something super obvious to our life was said… Like you have to be okay with your situation. Anxiety and worry are a state if mind… Etc, etc, etc.
Okay, Gods, I get it. You want me to stop focusing so much on the what ifs and start focusing on Your awesome power and the blessings you give me each and every day. I get it. I do.
And I’m back.
Posted on September 3, 2014, in Life, Love, Pagan Blog Project, PBP, Relationships, Uncategorized and tagged faith, Lesbian Relationships, Love, pagan, Pagan Blog Project, PBP, stress. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.