So. Many. Emotions.
I’ve been staring at this blank “new post” for almost an hour now… Leaving it, coming back to it, leaving it again. I started a blog, backed it up, started another, and erased it as well. I don’t know if I’m suffering from writer’s block or what, but I can’t… I can’t figure out the words to say what I feel inside. I’m not so sure there are words for all the emotions flowing over me and through me… the wave after wave of anxiety, confusion, calm, peace, acceptance, understanding, fear, stress… over and over and over again.
Is this depression? Is this what depression feels like? I don’t feel hopeless. I am never without hope because I know the Gods love me and bless me every day. They have provided for my needs since day one, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that they will continue to do so in the future.
Maybe it’s stress… or maybe in a mix of thoughts and feelings that shouldn’t EVER mix because they aren’t compatible. Maybe it’s family history and DNA telling me things I don’t want to or need to hear while my heart sings a different song. Maybe it’s a need to cry and scream and sleep and laugh all at once.
Whatever it is… it’s there… sitting in my chest, pressing me in from all sides.
It’s love… mixed with fear. There’s this baby, and it’s our baby. It’s going to be the first in a line of two… maybe three. This little precious baby boy or girl has been promised to us, and there’s a love there so deep that I don’t know if my body can handle it. It makes me feel like I could burst from excitement, impatience, wanting… I want to teach this little human so many wonderful things about the world, and the Gods, and love. I pass through stores and see the clothing all hanging there, wanting to be bought… and the books I can’t wait to read. I want this child to have everything. Our baby… Our first born, not of our bodies, but of our heart. But there’s this fear, tucked away in the back of my mind. It’s been dispelled over and over again, but it still lingers… The “what if.” What if the birth mother changes her mind last minute? It’s a silly, yet not silly, fear. She’s told me time and time again that she knows this is best and isn’t changing her mind. But it’s there… and it lingers. And it probably will always linger until everything is finalized.
It’s excitement… mixed with anxiety. There’s nursery, and it’s occupied by kittens we can’t seem to get healthy enough to leave us. There’s a space that needs to be nested in, and it’s not free and ready for that. There’s the worry we won’t pass inspection for whatever stupid reason, which I know we will. There’s no reason for us not to. We are active in our church, we keep our home clean, and our animals well taken care of. We eat insanely healthy, and we always live kind and compassionately as best we can. There’s stuff that needs to be bought… but when is too soon, too soon? We need the walk through done in November, so we have time… but when do we start buying things? A crib, a car seat? After the baby shower? There’s so much to do, and so much time to do it in that my body can’t handle the nothingness.
I see all these people with their babies and their love and it eats me from the inside. I want this. I want this family. I want this family so much it hurts. I want this family so much it fills me with a feeling that I can’t describe accurately in words. I want to raise this child to be a loving and compassionate little human who changes the lives of everyone he or she meets. I have all these expectations, and yet none at all.
I am in love with this little peanut… this little creature… this little human that doesn’t fully exist yet, and I swear my body doesn’t know what to do.
Posted on August 23, 2014, in Babies, Life, Love, Raising Kids, Random Rants, Relationships and tagged Lesbian Relationships, Life, Love, Random Rants, Relationships. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.