Letting It Go and Loving Yourself Through It
Three years ago, I was in a relationship that went south fairly quickly towards the end. I did some things wrong, the person I was with did some things wrong. The split was fairly nasty, and to some extent, it continues to be, even though it was three years ago. We’ve tried to be friends, but there are types of people that, under any circumstances, can never get along. My ex and I would be examples of those types of people.
We dated for nearly two years, and I finally broke it off, for good, just before Christmas three years ago. It wasn’t an easy decision, and regardless of what my ex thinks or says, it hurt me too. We’d moved to Massachusetts together, we were engaged, we’d been through a lot of shit together. It wasn’t easy to let go of someone who had been such a huge part of my life for so long, but it was something I absolutely had to do.
Our relationship wasn’t healthy. It simply wasn’t.
We fought a lot about money, friends, the way something was said. Communication was zero, and I realize that some of that way my fault. I will never accept full responsibility for everything, regardless of what my ex feels I should do. They did some fairly nasty things to me emotionally and financially, and they continue, to this day, to hold stuff over my head (stuff of mine that they have, money that they owe me) by saying things like, “I’ll get to it when I get to it” or “You have to be nicer to me before you get what you want.”
But I’m not angry, even though I have every reason to be. I refuse to harbor anger in my heart towards them.
The last contact that I had with my ex was asking about when my stuff would be sent to me, whatever that stuff was, and my ex said, “Sometime in May.” Well, it’s half-way through June now, and still… no stuff, no apology for the delay, no contact whatsoever. It’s just another promise broken, and it doesn’t make me angry… it makes me sad. It makes me realize that the choice I made three years ago was the right one.
We all want to feel wanted. We all want to feel important and needed and accepted, and sometimes it comes to a point where we can want these things to a fault of ourselves. I use to be that type of person. I use to be the person that sacrificed themselves to keep someone else around, and I lost myself a lot in that relationship.
I haven’t contacted my ex since that conversation in early May. I don’t plan on contacting them ever again because I realize that it’s completely and totally pointless. All my ex will do is call me an “evil fucking bitch” and a “waste of a human being.” I’ll ask about my stuff, and there will be another broken promise. After the conversation in May, and even just before that in April after the last “big showdown,” I started listening to my friends and really taking it to heart: I was/am never going to get my stuff back, and it’s all just a ploy to keep me around. It’s a way for my ex to stay attached to me, and as long as I continue the conversation, then that’s exactly what’s going to happen. My ex is never, no matter what gets said or what promises get made, will never, ever send me my things.
One of the hardest things we will ever do as human beings is leave someone or something behind because it’s not healthy for us. It’s hard because it requires loving ourselves more than loving something or someone else. It requires that we recognize our need to love and respect ourselves enough to know when enough is enough.
So how do we do that?
1) Understand that It’s OKAY not to love yourself immediately.
After my ex and I broke up, I got into a couple of rebound relationships that were even less healthy that my relationship with my ex had been, but I think that’s how rebound relationships go. I ended up in a really nasty… something… with someone who was a vet tech. It ended by me realizing that I was doing it again where I get into these “relationships” where I put myself on hold at the expense of my friends and my life. I realized that I couldn’t do it anymore, so I decided it was time to talk to someone. I went to see a therapist who gave me some extremely good advice.
It’s okay to not love yourself immediately, and it’s okay to get into a relationship if you don’t currently love yourself. This was completely counter to everything I had EVER been told, but it makes a lot of sense. Many people say “You can’t love anyone unless you love yourself,” but that’s not necessarily true. There’s a difference between loving yourself and realizing when you’re being hurt by someone else.
The key is to start working on loving yourself, and if you’re in a relationship with someone and you don’t love yourself, the person you’re with can help you learn to love yourself. They can support you and help you and remind you over and over again until you…
2) Realize that You are a Being of Worth
This is definitely step one to loving yourself and learning to let go. If, at any point in time, we feel like nothing, we need to get into the habit of telling ourselves that that is the number one lie we can tell ourselves. We are all something. We are all creatures who deserve love and respect, no matter what other people say or do. We deserve more.
I think, at least for me, this is the hardest thing to realize. Sometimes, I still don’t realize it. Most people have two voices in their heads: the one that loves them, and the one that doesn’t. And for many people, the voice that doesn’t can be a lot louder. It’s important to get the voice in our head that loves us to speak up and overpower the voice that doesn’t.
I always hated, hated, hated affirmations because I felt really stupid talking to myself in the mirror about stuff that I didn’t feel was important or true, but I did them anyway. Affirmations strengthen our inner voice that loves us. They make it louder by making that voice actually exist where we can hear it with our own ears. Eventually, we hear it over the voice that hates us and we not longer have to hear it with our own ears to be able to hear it.
Once that voice gets loud enough, we find the ability to…
3) Be okay with the choices that we make.
At some point in our lives, we have to make tough choices, and we have to live with them. When it’s letting go of someone we cared for, it can be difficult to stand by our decisions. This is where the inner voice that loves us comes in handy because that voice will remind us of why we let that person go in the first place. That voice tells us that we’re worth more than what we were getting, that we deserved better.
And it’s the constant reminder from that voice that makes things okay.
When it comes to me personally, I find a lot of comfort in the strength of the higher power/gods/what have you. In the past, when I felt myself being drug back into the unhealthy loop of things with my ex and the inner voice of love was no where to be found, my reliance on that higher power helped me stay strong. They will speak to you through friends, family, and your inner voice. Just make sure that you’re listening so you can hear it. I know they have my back, even when things are ridiculous with my ex. They won’t forsake me because I know, in my heart and mind, that I am doing everything I can to uphold ma’at and stay positive by doing the right thing.
Letting things go and loving yourself through it isn’t easy. And it doesn’t happen over night. And sometimes, it doesn’t happen over a few months or a few years, but it will happen…
And if you’re going through a rough spot, write yourself some affirmations, exercise that inner voice that loves you.
Because you deserve to hear words of love and respect. You deserve so much more than what you’re going through.
Posted on June 12, 2014, in Balance, Kemeticism, Love, Pagan Blog Project, Paganism, Relationships, Spirituality and tagged Gods, kemetic, L, lesbian, Lesbian Dating, Lesbian Relationships, Life, Love, pagan, Pagan Blog Project, paganism, PBP, Relationships, religion. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.