Level of Comfort

When you think about your “level of comfort,” what do you think about? Is it your relationship with your partner or your friends or family? Do you think about getting into that “comfort zone” where things seem natural and at ease? Maybe it’s the routine at work that you’ve finally settled into.

There’s a level of comfort with the Gods, I think, that we have to reach as believers if we’re ever going to have a sustained or growing spiritual life.

I haven’t been a part of a coven or other pagan circle since I was in college. In high school, I ran a pagan coven with a group of students called Secrets of the Moon (yeah, I realize it’s cheesy, but I was 16.). I didn’t pretend to be a priestess, but these other students looked to me as a leader. I was seen as a youth leader in the Greater Upstate SC Pagan community as well. I was even asked to call east in the closing ritual for Pagan Pride Day one year (I thought I was the bee’s knees!). nc_uncgreensboro In college at UNC Greensboro, I participated in the the Wiccan Pagan Student Association as the Educator and Ritual Coordinator. I was responsible for designing ritual for the group as well as speaking to other organizations about Paganism and what we believed. When I moved back home, I formed various groups where I participated as a leader in all of them. At one point, I was considered a high priest due to my (at the time) gender-masculine appearance. I taught paganism classes where I taught people basic Pagan beliefs as well as a divination techniques and how to read auras.

And then I graduated from college.

And since then, my public face has diminished. As my faith deepened, I turned away from the public and turned towards a more personal Gods-focused spirituality. I became comfortable in my solitary practices and rituals. I did well with my silent prayers or my prayers said aloud in the solitude at my personal altar.  I enjoyed the rare public ritual, but I didn’t feel I needed the continued place in a greater community.  I didn’t agree with a lot of the local Pagan behaviors or beliefs, so I just chose not to take part in them.

But now I’m in a place where I am starting a family.  I have an amazing Pagan partner who is willing to learn and grow spiritually with me.  My personal community of family practice is pushing me outside of my solitary comfort zone where I’m not sure how to make the next steps.  I didn’t list it on as one of my New Year’s Resolutions, but I feel like I need to take the position as the spiritual leader of my family.

But I’m going to be honest here: I have no idea how to do that.  I’ve gotten to a point in my spiritual journey where I’m super comfortable that change is making me uncomfortable or unsure of where I need to go.

When I go to light the altar in the mornings, I sometimes feel like I should say a prayer or blessing aloud, but I always stop.  It’s like stage fright almost, which is odd because I’m a, you know, teacher, so you’d think I’d be okay in front of a crowd.  There’s so much responsibility when it comes to spiritual guidance and leadership.  You have people’s souls and hopes for the future in your hands.  If you don’t do something properly, you could really make a mess of things.

I guess I’m nervous about saying the wrong things or saying things that sound funny or awkward or sound better in my head than they do in actuality.  It’s a fear, and probably a really irrational one, but  it’s still there.

And there’s so much that I want to do, as well.

Erin and I have had a rough couple of weeks.  We are as strong as ever as a couple, but stresses have been running high.  I’ve become immensely thankful for every small blessing the Gods have given to me, whether it’s the roof over my head, my job, the money to pay my bills or the very food I have in the house.  We often times don’t realize what we have until it’s gone, and we also rarely realize that we live in a very unstable world: Everything we have… Everything we work for… Could be gone within minutes, and the fact that it isn’t is a blessing in and of itself.

There are so many things that I’d love to do but fear just looking silly or saying the wrong thing… I’d love to pray aloud with Erin at the altar in the morning or before bed.  I’d love to give thanks at meals together as a family.  I want to craft a family tradition of Kemetism that I can pass on to her and to our children, but I’m not sure where to begin.  There’s a need to step out of my comfort zone, definitely, but that’s one of those things that always seems difficult to manage or start.

And, as always, I’m open for suggestions…

But until then, I’ll write the things I wish I had the courage to say aloud.

————————————————

AnkhHoliest of Holies, The One and the Many, The Blessed Netjeru,

I pray this night for those who would do me harm and see me cursed.  I pray that they find peace and that no harm shall come to them.  I pray that You help them see the errors in their way and let them see that the path to You is one of love, forgiveness and understanding.

Thank you for the blessings you have bestowed on me and my family, and thank you for the continued blessings in the future.  You have granted us safety, comfort, hearth and home.  I am grateful each day for the workings I see You do in my life.

I pray for peace and forgiveness in my own heart so that I may continue to show Your awesomeness through my actions and my words.  I wish to be a positive representation of the powers You possess, and ask for Your continued guidance as I strive to live in ma’at and reject isfet.

————————————————–

Wepwawet, Opener of the Way,
Bless Your coming and going.
Open the way for me and those I love
And close the way for those
Who would seek to do me harm.
Wepwawet, Opener of the Way,
Bless Your coming and going.

Nakhtdreshetiu, House of Netjer

PBP2014d

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Posted on January 31, 2014, in Faith, Kemeticism, Pagan Blog Project, Paganism, PBP, Religion, Spirituality and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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