Leaning on Faith

We got the news we were expecting to get for a couple weeks now…. Ever since we found out our baby was a boy… Shelly Sanders decided that her “perfect” family of a baby boy and a baby girl was more important than the wellbeing of a child she can’t afford to keep.

And rather than calling us to tell us or meet us in person, she texts is to tell us she was destroying our dreams. Rather than waiting to start the adoption process, she jumped in and has cost us quite a bit in lawyer fees and state fees. She has hurt us emotionally and financially and all we can think about is how this child is going to possibly grow up in an unhealthy environment.

We got this news in the middle of Pagan Pride today. In the middle of a morning session. Through text.

We cried together but then started moving around. We knew this news was coming. We’d felt it for awhile. We are moving forward on our plans to have a child of our own or possibly start planning our wedding, whichever seems like it will happen first.

I’m so happy that I have Erin to lean on in times like this. It’s been a really rough afternoon.

PPD was amazing, but it was hard to stay in the moment after what happened. My doctor also put me on a medication to help me focus on being in the now, but it’s kicking my ass and making me feel super exhausted. The last workshop of the day was the worst…. I was so tired and emotionally drained that I wasn’t really focused on anything. I ended up leaning on Erin and almost fell asleep.

Aside from leaning on Erin, I’ve just been praying silently all day that things will work out for everyone. All I have left is love and faith, emotionally speaking.

Hopefully, I’ll feel better tomorrow. Because nothing… Absolutely nothing… Is worse than feeling like we’ve lost a child.

Pretties!

Look what we got back today!!!!

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<3

As of this photo, 222 likes!

But as of this posting: 223. :)

I feel all the loves. :)

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A Love Story Continued

My sister is moving to Japan this week.  She got a job teaching five-year-olds English in one of the larger cities in Japan.  It was her dream job, so when she saw the listing, she applied, they interviewed her and then she called me in July, sobbing into the telephone, telling me she got the job.  I immediately started crying when my sister got off the phone with me: my baby sister is moving to the other side of the planet… and it’s going to be soon.

Well, the day has come for her to move.  Erin took a make-up class so we could go to trivia with my family on Thursday.  On Friday, my dad, sister, and I all went out to this fancy-smancy 5-star restaurant where the only way to get in is to have a membership.  You have to dress up all fancy: dresses or khakis and ties with a dress coat.  Sunday best and then some.

While we were out there, my dad says to me, “Kelly, when I was growing up, my parents never approved of anyone I ever brought home, until [my mother], and I can honestly say that your mother and I have never approved of anyone you’ve ever brought home… Until Erin.”

That moment was absolutely amazing.  My parents have come so far in the whole “gay thing” over the last ten years that they’ve known.  It made me smile from ear to ear.

Yesterday was Rachael’s going away dinner.  We originally planned on going to a nice steak house, but then my dad changed his mind and decided on going to the fancy-club again, which I was excited about because Erin hadn’t been when it wasn’t a buffet, so she’d get to experience it when it was “normal.”  We decided to wear our complementary Broadway dresses.  Mine is pink, and hers is black and white with a pink flower that matches my dress.  I put on a little bit of makeup, straightened my hair, did it up big because this was a big deal: my sister is moving to freaking JAPAN!

We’re sitting at a table by the bar, the S. Carolina vs Georgia game is on.  USC is ahead, but not by much.  We order drinks, we order food, we eat and watch the game.  USC wins, we get dessert, and then my mom orders a bottle of champagne to celebrate my sister’s new transition.  We toast to her, drink our champagne, and then Erin says, “I’d like to make a bigger toast to Rachael, if that’s okay.”

All eyes turn to her.  She starts talking about how we all love my sister and how we’ll miss her, how family means a lot to us and a lot to her, she talks about how much she’s loved getting to know her, and she knows that my sister will get to experience so many new and wonderful things.  I look over at my sister and her phone is in her lap facing Erin.  I think, why is she filming this?  Does she want to remember what Erin says to her tonight?  That’s really cute.  She says, “I know that it’s a little sad, though.  I know that you will miss a lot of things, like birthdays and holidays and other celebrations…  But there’s one celebration I know you won’t miss.”

Then she turns to me.  And she says, “Kelly, I love you.  I want to be there for you every day.  I want to be the person who makes you laugh and the person whose shoulder you cry on when you’re sad.  I want to support you through the good times and the bad.”

I feel myself choking up.  I look around at my family who all has these huge grins on their face, and I feel the tears welling up in my eyes.  So many thoughts are running through my head: she’s going to propose, she’s going to propose in front of my FAMILY, my family seems okay with this, my family KNEW!

Erin continues, “So I got you something.”  She goes into her purse and pulls out a box.  My hands fly to my mouth in that “Oh my gosh, I’m so shocked and overwhelmed right now” motion.  I start sobbing.  Erin says, “I liked it, and I want to put a ring on it.  Kelly,” as she gets down on one knee, “Will you marry me?”

At this point, I’m a blubbering mess of tears and happy sobs.  I nod and manage to get out a “YES!” before throwing my arms around her and hugging her.  I turn to my family, they’re all clapping and cheering and saying congrats.  My mom and dad come over to hug us both.  I’m smiling so much my face hurts.

After things calm down, we start talking about how all of this happened.  Erin has been planning this for a month.  She bought the ring in August, and talked to my mom and sister about everything.  My mom kept the ring at her house so that I wouldn’t accidentally find it.  Erin asked my dad for his blessing, which he readily gave to her.  That was the biggest thing for me.  I’m huge on family, and it meant a lot to know that not only did Erin respect my wishes in that way, but that my family was all excited and happy for us too.

Photo Sep 13, 9 04 39 PMMy sister decided that she wanted it done at her dinner.  She wanted to be here when it happened, and Erin said okay.  Then my whole family and Erin worked together to pull off this whole thing, and it was absolutely perfect.  I loved having my family involved in the whole thing and the ring is absolutely beautiful.

After church today, Erin and I went back to the jewelers and turned the ring over to them to have it sized, so I won’t officially have it until September 28th-ish.  Every stone in it (on the left), from the center, to the blue ones to the smaller ones in the band are diamonds.  The blue diamonds are colored with a laser to give them that blue color.

Erin said, “And don’t worry… I got this baby insured for life, so if it’s ever damaged or stolen or lost, we can get it repaired or replaced as needed.”  Amazing.

After we turned my ring in, we walked around the store and Erin picked out the ring she wanted.  We bought it and sent it of to get sized as well.  Erin’s ring is to the right.  It’s blue and white sapphires.  The conversation we had was so… us.Photo Sep 14, 3 06 20 PM

Erin: If it’s not diamonds, is it still an engagement ring?  I don’t really want diamonds.

Me: Baby, this is your ring.  If you are happy with it, then what does it matter what type of stones are in it?

Erin:  Very true.

Sales Guy: And, in Europe, it’s traditionally sapphires instead of diamonds too.  We have diamonds here, they have sapphires here.  Either way, the ring and the stones are beautiful.

Erin decided she wanted that one.  Our rings are perfect, and they fit us so well.

I’m getting married!!!  We haven’t set a date yet because we are waiting to see where things are in a couple of months before we pick the date… but whatever the date is, it’s going to be the part of the century!  I’m marrying the love of my life.  Everything is perfect!

Sin, Isfet, and Living in Ma’at

Side Note: The Kemetic Round Table (KRT) is about ma’at and isfet, and I’ve thought about getting involved, but I don’t really know how that works out…  There’s a lot of discussion going around right now about the two concepts, and then I heard a minster on the radio talking about sexual impurity and sin and how to prevent it… and these things got me to thinking… so here we go:

I think I’m one of those “annoying” Pagans that loosely combines the ideas of physics in to my metaphysical beliefs to justify them when I probably shouldn’t.  And it is usually Newton’s Laws, and it’s usually the third one:  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

In physics, the most basic meaning is that if I push against the wall, the wall pushes back against me.

In metaphysical meanings, I’ve often heard of it as the “What you put out gets brought back to you” principle.  If you put positive energy out into the world, then positive energy will come back to you.  It’s not the same as the three-fold law, which I don’t believe in, which states that whatever you put out comes back to you three times stronger.  Newton’s Third Law says “equal,” and I’ve heard this analogy of a stone into a calm pond and how the ripples get bigger as they go out and if they hit something and bounce back to you, it’s always a larger ripple… except that those ripples don’t have the same strength, so to speak.  They may get bigger, but their “power” is definitely lacking…

Anyway, rant over.

Isfet is the power behind uncreation.  It’s opposing force is ma’at, or the power behind creation.  To really understand what this truly means, you need to understand where everything started, according to the myths.  There’s a lot of different creation myths that the Ancients knew of, but they all have pretty much the same line of thought:  There was this primordial water by the name of Nun.  The self-created God(s) rose up out of this primordial water and all of the rest of creation came in some way shape or form afterwards.  Personally, my favorite story is the self-created deity (be it Aten, Amun, Ra, or some combination of the three) rises up out of the Nun and speaks all of creation.

I read somewhere, and now I can’t remember where I read it, that Apep, and by association, isfet, was created by accident during the creation of… well… everything.  Apep is the being that personifies isfet. Apep seeks to undo all of creation, and we’re not just talking about plunging the world into chaos.  Plunging a world into chaos implies that there are memories of a time before chaos, and Apep would be destroying those memories as well.  Think of uncreation as a permanent obliviate memory charm from Harry Potter.  The scene where Hermione makes her parents forget she was ever born… her image fades from all the pictures… except Apep would destroy you too.  You become uncreated.  You would disappear from all existence, and everything you do or did or anyone you ever met… any memory of you from your parents, other family, friends, random people you meet on the street… all of them would forget you.  All of your belongings and accomplishments would either no longer exist or belong and exist to someone else.

I use to equate isfet as the Kemetic version of sin, but I don’t think that’s a good analogy.  Sin is any act against divine law.  Some Christians will tell you that everything we do, pretty much, is a sin.  Some obvious sins are infidelity, murder, cursing, homosexuality, sex outside of marriage, worshiping a non-Christian God, not going to church, and being born.  Sin started out as a way to stay healthy, procreate, and be clean, but now it’s turned into control.  Preachers all over the United States and the World, especially here in the southeast use sin as a way to control people, specifically minorities, whether they are women, GLBT, people of color, other religions.  Sin is used to teach hate and discrimination behind a mask of godliness and faith.

As a Kemetic, one of the main principles I try to live by is to uphold ma’at, shun isfet, worship my Gods, and worship against Apep.  The problem becomes, though, that a lot of people, myself included, struggle to really get a grasp on what it means to do all those things.

Ma’at is creation.  It’s opposite is not chaos, it is isfet.  Chaos is often necessary to allow creation to continue.  Destruction, in some forms, can be healthy.  Farmers will sometimes burn entire areas to better grow the next season of crops.  Floods in Egypt were known to bring fertile soil and food for the entire year.  Chaos isn’t always a bad thing.  So if isfet isn’t chaos, then how can we better understand it in a practical sense?

Fellow blogger, Kiya, over at Peaceful Awakenings, wrote a blog about “shopping cart theology.”  It’s all about the ideal situation where everyone who uses a shopping cart returns the cart to where it needs to go.  It keeps the system happy and functioning for everyone.  Everyone gets a cart when they need it and everyone does their part to make sure the system continues.  But, Kiya also mentions that it’s not always the way it works out.  Sometimes, we are struggling in life and can’t get the cart back.  Sometimes people take more than one cart back to make up for others who don’t take their cart back.  Even though it’s not ideal, the end result is that the system continues to work because everyone interacts with it in some way.

Aubs Tea over at Mystical Bewilderment wrote a blog last year called “Kemetism is Orthopraxic: Live in Ma’at.”  The writer says, “Some people think that living in ma’at means that we should put the shopping carts away. This isn’t so bad of a concept either. It means everything is orderly. It means that everyone does their part to make everything work out in that orderly concept. The problem is that not everyone puts their carts away, do they?”

This got me thinking: I know ma’at is sometimes defined as order, balance, truth, and justice.  I think this was/is a way to fit a non-western concept into a western language.  I mean, how can we uphold a concept such as creation, which encompasses things that maybe we don’t particularly like about creation, like destruction and chaos?  How do we shun somethings like uncreation when that concept doesn’t really make a lot of sense to begin with?

Maybe the shopping cart theory isn’t about the order of the system.  Maybe it’s about being mindful of the system and interacting with it as we should.  They system works, whether we put the carts back or not, the system will keep on working.  If no one puts a cart back, eventually someone will need a cart and they will grab one and take it with them.  Hopefully, some one will realize what a pain everything’s become and put all the carts back… Sometimes we can put our cart back and maybe someone else’s cart, but sometimes we can’t for whatever reason.  We’re interacting with the system whether we realize it or not.

I think the key to upholding ma’at is to be mindful of the system.  I’ve read that it’s all about the 42 Negative Confessions, but let’s be real… without a really solid modern translation, the 42 Negative Confessions are about as relevant to today’s society as Leviticus is.  Or at least parts of them are.  If we are mindful of the system, we uphold creation in that the system is what keeps creation going.  The system sometimes includes chaos and destruction (in that people don’t always put their carts away), but that’s okay because it’s part of the system.

We shun isfet by being mindful and being in the moment, being aware of our situation and the “system” we are currently in.  When we fail to be mindful, we allow Apep to potentially disrupt and complete destroy the system, that is, creation.  On a practical, daily level, we can uphold ma’at by simply being mindful of our situations and living in the moment.

In a more spiritual and ritualistic level, we can uphold ma’at, worship our Gods, and worship against Apep by praying, leaving offerings, and destroying the snake.  All those things we think of when we think of being Kemetic and doing our faith and spiritual practice.  The Gods need us to help them protect creation.  Through prayer and meditation, we can spiritually connect to them to grow our relationship to the Gods.  As that relationship grows, the Gods can begin to work through us and better use us to help protect this wonderful creation all around us.

Hiatus

I think I’m taking a hiatus from this blog without meaning too… I’m finding myself struggling to update and find things to write about on a regular basis.  I’m starting and stopping blogs, staring at a blank screen for an hour before starting… and stopping… and starting over again.  I don’t know what it is.

I have good intentions to write, but I just don’t seem to be able to do it.

So I’m sorry, everyone.  I’ll say that I’ll try to do better, but the truth of the matter is… I probably won’t.

So Much Going On!!!

1. The adoption:

We found out if we’re having a boy or a girl. :) No, I’m not posting it here. We have the name picked out already, and we’re both really excited. I’ll make a formal announcement after the baby shower, but that’s not until November. Sorry. We’re doing a gender-reveal, so it’s pretty hush hush, very few people actually know.

2. Work

I think I have the best group of kids in the upstate. All of my classes are wonderful. I know it’s still early, but I have good vibes about this group. I think my schedule is perfect for this adoption too. I have first and seventh planning (first and last classes if the day), so it’s perfect for drop off and pick up of baby. Plus, my classes are wonderful and will be easy to leave with a long term sub.

3. Church

The church called and asked me to shadow a Sunday school teacher. Some friends of ours that go there with us and I are going to coordinate days so we can all volunteer together. It’s nice to have a spiritual place to call home, and I really like the community. I like getting up for church and going. Sundays are fun again.

4. Pagan Pride Days

Erin and I go every year to PPD in NC. I wasn’t sure if we were going to go for the day or the weekend because they hadn’t posted the workshops yet, but they did last week after I asked them about it and said I was starting to panic because of the cost of staying. We decided to go both days. We have a dog sitter, and we have two options of friends to stay with for free, so why not?

Faith, Prayer, and Positive Thinking.
Faith, Prayer, and Positive Thinking.

The Gods will not fail me, and everything will work out as it should.

Reality Check

This is the third time I’ve attempted to work on my week 1 of R-posts for the Pagan Blog Project.  At this point, it’s week 2, and I do t feel bad for skipping two weeks in a row. Things have gotten really busy and really stressful, and every time I go to start a blog, I get interrupted and then I lose the “mojo” for writing that particular blog.  So I start a new one.

I feel like all I’ve been doing lately is complain.  There’s so much stress right now that it’s been hard to stay positive and keep my eye on the prize.

My brain functions very matter-of-factly.  I see something, and my mind rationalizes it, usually into some form of numbers or percentages.  Anything that my mind can’t reduce into functional data gets attributed to the Gods.  It’s how I keep myself functioning in a world that might seem hopeless at times to others.  I think it’s also the reason why so many people come to me with problems: I listen, I rationalize, and I respond.  It’s only when things become too much that I become the emotional wreck that I’ve been the last couple of weeks.

I think everyone has a cup, and into this cup goes all the things that a person worries about.  Usually, it fills with bills, work, cost of groceries and putting gas into your car.  When you are in school, there’s passing classes, homework, tuition costs.  When you seriously start dating someone/get engaged/get married, there’s all the things that go along with that to worry about as well.  But when you throw a baby into the mix, there’s a whole new set of worries to fill and overflow your cup…  When you end up facing unexpected infertility, you can add some more… or when you make the choice to expand through adoption, you add some more as well.

The other day, I started to write a blog about understanding what your reality is.  The idea that we see our world differently than anyone else on this planet based on our life experiences, and how our world is a reflection of our actions.  The energy and thoughts we put out come back to us.  If we think negatively, our world becomes negative.  If we think postively, our world becomes positive.  As with the other blogs I started for R, that one never made it out of the draft pile.  But it struck me because when Erin and I went to church on Sunday, the minister talked about controlling our thoughts and actions to control the world around us.

Unfortunately, the only thing I was able to focus on that day was all the numbers running through my head: 750, 45, 167, 168, 40, 172, 150, 100, 600… Over and over again, every bill that Erin and I owe ran through my mind.  Money.  All I could think about was money and how the Home Owner’s Association wasn’t really for the homeowners… and how I really hoped my real estate agent got back to me soon.

After the service, Erin and I were talking about church, and how we were getting more involved and wanting to become members.  We talked about the message, and I confessed, “I didn’t really hear much of it.  I’m having a lot of problems focusing lately.”  We had our god daughter with us, and I ended up walking out and going to see her in the nursery.  I sat with her and talked to the woman who was there.  We talked about babies and cloth diapers and just a lot of random things.  I bounced my god daughter on my lap, watched the kids, and it was nice.

She allowed me to take my mind off all the stresses that I’m facing with this adoption.

Later that evening though… That’s when it all came to a head.  I broke down into an absolutely horrible ugly cry.  Erin held me, played with my hair, rubbed my arms and back, got me tissues, gave me kisses, and told me, over and over, that it was all going to be okay.

“You have to have faith, baby.  The Gods aren’t going to let us down.  They’ll get us through everything, just like they’ve gotten us through everything up until this point.”  How… How is her faith so strong when mine isn’t?

And then it hit me: that’s the point, isn’t it? When I’m weak, she’s there to be strong for me, and when she’s weak, I’m there to be strong for her. It’s our complement. And we work well together.

After my ugly-cry-fest, I felt a lot better. I think I’ve been holding on to so much of the emotions going on around here with everything that when I finally released it all, it felt good. I felt better. I felt more at peace. That understanding that the Gods will provide came back.

And then I went to church with Erin today for the first time on a Wednesday. It started with a silent meditation, then a guided meditation, and then a discussion on making peace with yourself. Next week is making peace with your situation. And then after that is making peace with others. Holy. Shit. Really?

I half-laughed at the topic, and then Erin kept nudging me throughout the discussion when something super obvious to our life was said… Like you have to be okay with your situation. Anxiety and worry are a state if mind… Etc, etc, etc.

Okay, Gods, I get it. You want me to stop focusing so much on the what ifs and start focusing on Your awesome power and the blessings you give me each and every day. I get it. I do.

And I’m back.

Small Adjustments and Updates

It’s been an interesting couple of days in the H-H household.  I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re not taking care of ourselves.  I mean, we’re physically taking care of ourselves, but we’re not emotionally taking care of ourselves.  We’re stressed, and I don’t think it’s in a good way.

I finally broke last night.  Erin’s been trying to get me to meditate at night before bed for weeks, but I’ve been resisting… Saying that I don’t think it will help or I just don’t have it in me to do that.  I broke down last night, thoroughly cleaned my altar, and meditated for ten minutes.  I invited Erin to meditate with me, and she agreed.  We dimmed the lights, lit our altars and tried to force our bodies into relaxing.

It didn’t help much, but I think, over time, we’ll see improvements.  I couldn’t keep my mind from singing some obnoxious pop song I don’t know the name of.  I kept telling myself to come back to center, only to be knocked off to the right or left again.  The ten minutes flew by so quickly.  We’re going to do this again tonight, and hopefully make a habit out of it.

I’m definitely out of practice.

In other Pagan related news, Erin and I are planning our annual trip to Central North Carolina’s Pagan Pride Day.  It’s the same time as Columbia Gay Pride in South Carolina, so we’re having to pick between the two.  It wasn’t really that hard of a pick: PPD it is.  I think I’m over gay pride events.  I think I’m over the partying and all that stuff.  I don’t need a gay pride event to feel connected to the community.  I understand and appreciate their existence, but I’m over it.  Pagan Pride events usually have more to offer anyway.  There’s entertainment, but also workshops and rituals, etc.

But CNCPPD hasn’t posted their workshop lists yet, so Erin and I aren’t sure if we’re going for Saturday or the whole weekend.  We’re definitely getting a hotel, we just don’t know if it’s for one night or two.  Last year, we went two days and it was wonderful.  We got to experience everything we wanted and also just enjoy each other.  I was also on speaking terms with my ex at that point, who also showed up.  We went out to dinner afterwards (Erin, myself, my ex, my ex’s fiance, and a mutual friend of all of ours), and it was nice… but ended up a little… badly…  Erin and I were disrespected a few times by multiple people, and we had it out with each of them not too long afterwards.

My ex, the one from the previous blog, and I haven’t really spoken to each other sense.  After that e-mail, they wrote a blog putting it all on me to start this attempt at friendship over again.  I wrote them an e-mail saying I wasn’t starting it, that they could if they wanted, but I wasn’t starting it… and asked about what the fiance thought about all this… Then that short blog to me disappeared and there was another one that I’m not really sure how to interpret… It talked about being okay to try again… but then used the word “you” vaguely, and I’m not sure if the you was directed at me… or at my ex themselves.  It said, “Part of me says yes it’s ok to try again you have learned from your mistakes and you are not where you were at a year ago mentally and physically.”

Erin interpreted the you to be me, which then made the blog sound like I was the one who messed everything up, so I have to learn from my mistakes and my ex doesn’t have to learn from theirs at all… but I read the you to be towards my ex, which means my ex understands what they did wrong and have learned from it.  Either way, I haven’t gotten an e-mail back and I’m done vague-blogging and vague-Pinteresting… If my ex wants to talk, there’s e-mail.  I’m not doing anything publicly anymore.

In other news, church has been wonderful.  Erin started volunteering with the AV department, and I signed up to help with Sunday School.  The minister has been there for ten years next month, and the church is having a celebration.  We’re going to go.  There’s a drum circle.  I’m really excited about the drum circle.

So. Many. Emotions.

I’ve been staring at this blank “new post” for almost an hour now… Leaving it, coming back to it, leaving it again.  I started a blog, backed it up, started another, and erased it as well.  I don’t know if I’m suffering from writer’s block or what, but I can’t… I can’t figure out the words to say what I feel inside.  I’m not so sure there are words for all the emotions flowing over me and through me… the wave after wave of anxiety, confusion, calm, peace, acceptance, understanding, fear, stress… over and over and over again.

Is this depression?  Is this what depression feels like?  I don’t feel hopeless.  I am never without hope because I know the Gods love me and bless me every day.  They have provided for my needs since day one, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that they will continue to do so in the future.

Maybe it’s stress… or maybe in a mix of thoughts and feelings that shouldn’t EVER mix because they aren’t compatible.  Maybe it’s family history and DNA telling me things I don’t want to or need to hear while my heart sings a different song.  Maybe it’s a need to cry and scream and sleep and laugh all at once.

Whatever it is… it’s there… sitting in my chest, pressing me in from all sides.

It’s love… mixed with fear.  There’s this baby, and it’s our baby.  It’s going to be the first in a line of two… maybe three.  This little precious baby boy or girl has been promised to us, and there’s a love there so deep that I don’t know if my body can handle it.  It makes me feel like I could burst from excitement, impatience, wanting…  I want to teach this little human so many wonderful things about the world, and the Gods, and love.  I pass through stores and see the clothing all hanging there, wanting to be bought… and the books I can’t wait to read.  I want this child to have everything.   Our baby…  Our first born, not of our bodies, but of our heart.  But there’s this fear, tucked away in the back of my mind.  It’s been dispelled over and over again, but it still lingers… The “what if.”  What if the birth mother changes her mind last minute? It’s a silly, yet not silly, fear.  She’s told me time and time again that she knows this is best and isn’t changing her mind.  But it’s there… and it lingers.  And it probably will always linger until everything is finalized.

It’s excitement… mixed with anxiety.  There’s nursery, and it’s occupied by kittens we can’t seem to get healthy enough to leave us.  There’s a space that needs to be nested in, and it’s not free and ready for that.  There’s the worry we won’t pass inspection for whatever stupid reason, which I know we will.  There’s no reason for us not to.  We are active in our church, we keep our home clean, and our animals well taken care of.  We eat insanely healthy, and we always live kind and compassionately as best we can.  There’s stuff that needs to be bought… but when is too soon, too soon?  We need the walk through done in November, so we have time… but when do we start buying things?  A crib, a car seat?  After the baby shower?  There’s so much to do, and so much time to do it in that my body can’t handle the nothingness.

I see all these people with their babies and their love and it eats me from the inside.  I want this.  I want this family.  I want this family so much it hurts.  I want this family so much it fills me with a feeling that I can’t describe accurately in words.  I want to raise this child to be a loving and compassionate little human who changes the lives of everyone he or she meets.  I have all these expectations, and yet none at all.

I am in love with this little peanut… this little creature… this little human that doesn’t fully exist yet, and I swear my body doesn’t know what to do.

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